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Old 03-27-2007, 08:39 PM
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Default The "all-new" joke thread...

Woman walks into a bar and orders a bottle of their finest Champagne. She pulls her knickers down and pours the whole bottle over her "lady bits". The barman shouts, "Why the hell did you do that??" The woman replies, "I've just won the Lottery, and that's the only c**t I'm sharing it with!!"
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Old 03-27-2007, 09:47 PM
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Two o'clock in the morning and the doorbell rings, waking this couple up. The man rolls over and looks at the time and can't believe it. 'It's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning,' he growls. He pulls on his dressing gown and goes down stairs. He opens the door and there's this guy standing there.

'Hello mate,' he says, 'sorry to disturb you, but I need a push, can you give us a hand?'

'Are you out of your fucking mind,' comes the reply, 'it's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning and I've got work tomorrow. Piss off!'

He goes back upstairs to his wife and tells her what happened. She suggests that he's being a bit hard on the poor guy who can't help breaking down and just wants to get home to his bed. After a little bit of encouragement and making him feel a bit horrible and guilty, he climbs out of bed again throws on some clothes and walks out of the house. He sees the guy some metres away down the road. He calls out,

'Sorry mate, I was a bit unfriendly.' The other guy's face breaks into a relieved smile. 'Where do you want this push then?'

The man points across the road to the park, 'Over there.......... on the swings.'
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Old 03-28-2007, 10:51 AM
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Tee Hee very good Sam......... oops Saxon Chick
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Old 03-29-2007, 04:27 PM
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The old ones are always the best........or are they?


It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows Vista may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads Winders Vistuh with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note:
the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive
floppies are them little ol' plactic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. Some translations that may help are below.

* OK - ats aww-right
* cancel - hail no
* reset - aww shoot
* yes - shore
* no - Naaaa
* find - go hunt fer it
* go to - over yonder
* back - back yonder
* help - get me outta here
* stop - ternit off
* start - crank it up
* settings - sitt'ns
* programs - stuff what does stuff
* documents - stuff I done done

Also note that Winders Vistuh does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Below is a list of programs that are exclusive to Winders Vistuh:

* tiperiter - A word processor
* colering book - a graphics program
* addin mershene - calculator
* outhouse paper - notepad
* jupe-box - CD Player
* innernet - Microsoft Explorer
* pichers - A graphics viewer
* IRS - M/S accounting software
* IRS2 - M/S accounting software with hidden files
* coon dog - American kennel club records
* fishin - Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
* NRA - National Rifle Association
* shot gun - Remington Arms price list
* riffel - Winchester price list
* pisstel - Smith and Wesson price list
* truck - Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
* house - Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
* car - same as truck just need two, list in Alabama
* cuzzins - family history (usually a 3 meg file)
* tax records - usually an empty file
* shells - ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
* bud - list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
* raysin - NASCAR racing schedule with list of TV stations showing the race
* car 'n truck parts - nearest junk yard by zip code
* doc - veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement copy.
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Old 03-29-2007, 05:20 PM
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Haha Great stuff guys
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:51 AM
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Why did the rubber fly across the room??? It got pissed off....
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Old 04-01-2007, 07:20 PM
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Husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife masturbating with a fish. He says "What's a nice plaice like you doing in a girl like that?"


Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. First one picks it up and says "I know this face, but can't put a name to it!"

Second one picks it up and says "It's me, you daft bastard!"


Woman goes on holiday to Jamaica and meets a black man. After fantastic sex, she asks his name.

"My name is Snow", says the man.

Woman starts laughing, and Snow asks her what's so funny...

"My husband won't believe I've had 10 inches of snow in Jamaica!"


The Queen visits a hospital and goes through a ward. She sees a man masturbating and says "What's wrong with him?"

Dr says, "He has too much sperm and must do that five times a day".

Then she sees a nurse giving a man a blow job, and asks, "What's wrong with him?"

Dr says, "Same thing, only he's with BUPA!"


Three tampax walking down the street - maxi, mini and ultra. Which one says hello?....None of them, they're all stuck up c*nts!!
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Old 04-20-2007, 10:09 PM
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Paddy goes into Superdrug and asks, "Have you got any KY Jelly"? The assistant says, "No, have you tried Boots"? Paddy says, "I want to slide in, not fucking march in"!!
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Old 04-20-2007, 10:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saxon Chick View Post
Woman walks into a bar and orders a bottle of their finest Champagne. She pulls her knickers down and pours the whole bottle over her "lady bits". The barman shouts, "Why the hell did you do that??" The woman replies, "I've just won the Lottery, and that's the only c**t I'm sharing it with!!"
Hahahahaha HILARIOUS Saxon Chick!!!!
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Old 04-20-2007, 10:41 PM
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LOL loved the swing one as well!!!!
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